Pause Button - Date #6

I need to hit the pause button. I need a day of rest. I've been trying so hard to think positively, take care of myself, up my beauty regimen, and just overall be good that frankly, I'm exhausted. Especially since, despite the best of intentions, many of my actions have been questionable.

Like two days ago, when I committed the big no-no and took my son along on Date #6. But it was to see "Avatar," for goodness sake. How could I go without him?

And then there was last week, when I met up with the leader of the Celibacy Support Group, a former priest turned married psychotherapist, and found myself, for a few minutes at least, getting all hot and bothered.

It wasn't that he was so attractive physically. In fact, when I first spotted him in the restaurant, sipping a cup of coffee, I thought he looked awfully odd. But as we began talking about the emotional and spiritual challenges of celibacy - whether it's possible to be celibate, have emotional feelings and still trust that god loves you - things between us started heating up.

Then when he began sharing the story of his personal journey from young seminarian with a profound love relationship with god, to young man with a profound love relationship with a woman, the conversation became so honest, so authentic, that I found myself thinking in ways I shouldn't about this gangling, goofy-looking man.

I didn't let my thoughts go too far. I've done the married man thing once and I've promised myself I'd never do it again. Still, it was both fascinating and scary to think that all it took was a little emotional nakedness to make me want to jump into the nearest bed.

Which is why I'm here today, still in my pj's, ready to call it quits. Of course I won't. After all, in a few hours, I have to pick up my son from school. But in the meantime, I've decided. I'm taking a break. This is my Sabbath. For these next few hours, I get to put aside all noble intentions, even think ill thoughts, and hopefully get away with it, without feeling any guilt.