Tall and handsome, Date #4 had potential. Until, that is, he opened his mouth and started singing a religious prayer in the middle of the restaurant.
We hadn't ordered yet, so I could have said goodnight then and there. Someone I know did just that, even after placing his order. Clear that he and his blind date were going nowhere, he asked the waiter to pack up their dinners in doggie bags.
But I stayed. I was curious to hear more about my date, who mid-life had decided to become a church singer, flying to New York every week to study with a master.
"Yes," he said, "these church jobs pay a lot. Over the holidays, you can earn 6000 bucks, easy. On a normal weekend, you can pull in a thousand."
Meanwhile, he explained, he sells life insurance, which dovetails nicely with the choir work. Last year, for instance, while filling in with one of the local church choirs, he'd sold a million dollar policy to the conductor and a half million term policy to the tenor next to him.
He also went on about his other interests, like yoga, which he did religiously until breaking his leg a few months back. In fact, he said, if you want, I can show you it. Without waiting for my response, he whipped out his blackberry, pulling up a photo of the x-ray of his fibula.
"There, where it's cloudy," he said, then proceeded to show me several close-ups of the break from different angles.
He was a fast eater. But I kept up with him, which may be why when the bill came, he asked if I would split it. Then he checked his watch. "Got to dash," he said. "My parking meter is about to run out."
We left the restaurant together and got as far as his car, a 1999 Avalon that he'd paid $5000 for. He didn't offer to give me a lift. But as he'd explained earlier, he had an 8 a.m. church gig the next day, so he had to get right home, or rather right to his apartment, which, by the way, only costs $650 a month. Definitely, he said, a real steal. With that and a quick handshake, he hurried into his car and drove out of my life.
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OK, I'm back .. this guy requires a comment. Why, even when the other's behavior is so egregious, is it difficult for us to discern that when we're in its midst????
ReplyDeleteI think I'm getting better at it. It all started immediately after my mother died last spring. A friend and I planned to get together for my birthday "coffee." I looked forward to it, thinking how great it would be to be with a friend in the same generation (not that of my 94 year old and her peeps) after the greatest loss of my life. However, midway through the hour of listening to the current version of her lifelong traumas (and after she never bothered to even stand up and hug me when I entered the shop, ask how I was doing, offer condolences or even buy me a cup of coffee) I realized that this was not a relationship I wanted in my life. The surprise was that that thought came while I was across the table from her, that I trusted my instincts then and there (without having to go home and rationalize and/or defend my behavior or hers) and that I had a visual clarity paired with a mental clarity. It was calming...I felt centered in ways that I had never felt before. Maybe it was my mother's death that did it -- I now had to stand up for myself and I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like a "second class citizen." (I don't know why that phrase works so well for me.) I didn't hate her but I also didn't need to seek her approval...I was just done with her.....
.....at least for now. Unlike your date, I have a history with her, some of which is really good, but right now I need a time out.
As to your date (and future dates) I hope you can find that great balance between being open to someone's eccentricities (aggravated in first date situations) and sensing immediately when someone is not respectful or shows signs of disdain. Gottman has it right: "contempt" is totally inconsistent with healthy relationships.