Red Flags

I have two dates lined up. One today for lunch. Another on Saturday evening. I'm feeling hopeful. One's a scientist who's raising a kid on his own. The other is a fix-up and even though the ex-husband of the girlfriend who set me up, spoke ill of him (they work in the same business), I liked the timbre of the guy's voice when we spoke over the phone.

Plus as my girlfriend pointed out, a lot of people in the industry in which her ex-husband and this guy work, can be jerks now and then. Don't let that count him out.

So what should count someone out? Which are the red flags to pay attention to? One of the men I went out with, Date # , said he was the CEO of some company. Yet when I googled the company, nothing turned up. At the bar where we met, he showed me his card, but then took it away so quickly, claiming it was his last one, that I didn't have time to read a thing. To top it off, he berated the waiter for being slow with serving our drinks.

Red flags? I should say so. But that evening, as well as the next day when he called, I overlooked everything. People are different, after all. People are different.

Like a former boyfriend of mine, whom I always thought was strange but nice. He turned out to be a murderer. My guess is he had some kind of psychotic snap. But I'm sure certain signs were always there. Certain signs that I chose to ignore.

The first time I met my post marriage ex-boyfriend, he went on and on about himself. My son, who was with me, even commented that the guy never asked one question about us. The first time I went out with my former husband, I had coffee while he ate lunch. Nonetheless, when the bill came, he asked me to chip in.

Did the ex-boyfriend always talk about himself? No. At times he was a very good listener, although true, given the choice, he preferred to be center stage. Was my ex-husband always cheap? No, when we were together his approach to money was to spend it. Yet during the divorce, he went after what I had, and since the divorce, counts every penny he's obliged to pay.

If we are who we are in the littlest moments, no wonder first impressions count. Yet in retrospect, would I have handled things differently with either of my ex's? Probably not. Both men had other qualities that I fell for hard and which overshadowed all else.

So do we ever learn anything? I'd like to think so. But you have to scale back your standards. Forget leaps and bounds. Or even baby steps. Use the measurement my girlfriend Heidi swears by: eyelash by eyelash.